Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Grace - 17 months

So Grace is 17 months old and does NOT like camping.

We were invited to the New Forest for a weekend to enjoy the great outdoors but ended up aborting the mission at 3.30am with Grace FREEZING COLD and howling for dear life whilst James ripped up our tent (and others) in the pitch dark, tripping over guide-ropes and receiving lots of rude comments from fellow unhappy campers.

Luckily he was too drunk to care.

Grace finally started smiling again once we drove through the gate to leave (yes we shut it behind us, obeying the country code) and she was handed a packet of pom bears crisps.

Needless to say, we won't be doing it again. At my lowest point on the trip I was forced to wee into Grace's little yellow bucket (now called the bucket of shame and residing in the garage so I don't have to see it. Yes they did have loos there but it was dark and cold and Grace was a big baby and when I need to wee I need to wee, I don't have time to find wellies and coats and torches).

Why would anyone want to go camping ever? It's cold and wet and dull and expensive and you have to sleep on the floor near strangers and wee in buckets, it's all very uncivilized indeed and then when you finally get home you have loads of unpacking and washing to do. Could anything be less relaxing?

I could not wait to get back and have a bath and apply my various lotions and potions. Now the wedding date looms large my pre-sleep regime has stepped up a notch.

As well as drinking gallons of water so I wee like a horse all day, I take giant horse pills that promise hairy nails and glowing teeth, or something like that. I

 will turn into a horse at this bloody rate.

In a bid to repair my poor brittle hair (the bad haircuts aforementioned in this very blog have taken their toll) I even sleep with hideously expensive deep conditioners on, covered by a showercap. (James calls me russell beacause of the noise I make when I turn over).

Oh well, it will all be worth it on the day.

I do hope the town hall get my name right however. When we went to raise our bands I noticed they had written Waller/Mutant. I noticed James noticed too because he started snorting like a pig and went all red.

I said something like "It's only a bit funny" and he and the fat receptionist (who had just done that really annoying thing receptionists with nothing better to do and no real work to get on with anyway do, which is to ask you what time your appointment is for, even though they know because it's written down in front of them, and then say "You're late" in the same tone a normal person would use to say sentences like "You sell drugs to children") doubled over gaffawing with laughter.

My own MILTB (mother-in-law-to-be) told me she was driving home from work the other day when she suddenly remembered the Mutant story and started laughing out loud in the car and people driving past must have thought her mad. What kind of family am I marrying into eh?

So anyway, Grace will look beautiful on the day - for about 10 minutes anyway. She is at that age where all she wants to do is take all her clothes off (and other people's shoes - when we get home she demands we take 0ur shoes off (OOOOOHHHHHHs mama OOOOOOOOHHHs dadda) so she can wear them on the wrong feet and fall over).

She has obviously been studying how to be just like her mummy because she comes charging into the kitchen and starts opening and closing the fridge and freezer and dishwasher at alarming speed, tutting to herself and looking very important and harassed.

The funniest part is after she has taken her clothes off and put them in the washing machine she picks up the fabric softener (which is my favourite smell in the whole world. You know how some people (idiots) like the smell of rain or freshly cut grass of their children? I love the smell of Comfort Tropical Burst) and says mamma, mamma! Oh she is a hoot.

Just the other day she did a poo in the bath for me to fish out with my bare hands. That was nice. (Yes of course I tried to get out out with other objects before resorting to my hands. I am not some kind of animal, but you try catching a poo in a toy boat, it's very hard. Poos are slippery when wet like that great Bon Jovi album.)

Grace is very possessive of her daddy. She goes to nursery with a little boy called Phoenix who sometimes gets confused and when James arrives to collect Grace he comes over instead with his arms in the air saying "Daddeee". Grace does not like this at all. She pushes him over then laughs at him from James' arms. It seems she is going to be a daredevil. My lovely lovely friend Vicky and I recently took the girls to kidzone (photos attached) and she raced off and came down the big yellow slide backwards all on her own before I could even supervise! (Grace I mean, not Vicky).

I pushed Grace into town this week on her little pink bike (photos attached) which of course she thought she was riding herself (I have to tilt the front wheel up so she can't steer or she has us going all over the place, much like my dog-poo dodging days of old) . She was waving at everyone saying "Hiya hiya" and pointing at dogs "woof woof sshhhhhh"

(The shusssh bit has been learned after hearing our neighbours saying it each time their dogs bark.
 She spends hours repeating it to them with her head poking out the cat flap in the kitchen. Sometimes she posts important documents out there at the same time, very very quietly)

She is still mad on Peppa pig. She has taken to throwing herself on the floor and rolling around like they do when something is funny. It can be quite dangerous, as is the way she hangs out the buggy to one side (if I can finally get her in her buggy these days ) when we go along, narrowly avoiding lamp posts and people's shopping bags.

We are getting her a seat to go on the back of James' bike this week. I just got a new bike and I love it ( Only slightly less since I actually rode it and it gave me aches and pains in places I never knew possible to ache in.)

I blame it all on James. We rode from Rottingdean to Hove and back (12 miles) at breakneck speed.

James trilled his girly bell loudly at any pedestrian who dared step foot in the cycle lane. I followed soon after shouting "Get out the cycle lane" swallowing loads of flies as I did so. James did look very handsome on his bike however, such strong thighs. I could sort of make them out in the blur as I struggled to keep up with him anyway.

I have another charity run coming up soon. I am sure I will be hounding you all for money. I've finally managed to run 5k in under 30 minutes (Once, after which I had to come home and lay on the floor as the world span around me).

Anyway. I had better go. Grace will be home soon so I had better empty the dishwasher and washing machine before she tries to do it for me.

Latest photos here:


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